I’ll start by saying that my push for starting this blog was the ending of a big chapter in my life, my engagement. I needed an outlet for my thoughts and emotions. I can tell you that the ending of an engagement is a pretty rough path to go down, but I can also tell you that sometimes the hardest decisions open the biggest windows. However, coming to terms with the reality that awaits you is pretty devastating, whether you initiate it or not. I can tell you that I loved that man with every piece of my being. It’s probably safe to say that I loved him more than I loved myself. Mistake number one. I got used to a routine that revolved around his happiness and only his happiness. I remember thinking that as long as he’s happy, I’ll be happy. Wrong! What the hell was I thinking!? How could I possibly think this way…and of all people, ME! I had lost myself at the mercy of another human being’s happiness. The reason I am here today, without a ring on my finger, is because I decided that I deserve to put myself first and that my happiness should be at the mercy of myself, not by anyone else.
What’s important here and what I have learned is this: when people say that you should always put yourself first for the most core, basic needs as a human being, LISTEN TO THEM. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to marry them or put them above yourself. You have to love yourself first before you can ever truly love someone else. Once you take care of YOU and love YOU, then you’re ready to love someone else. And in that case, you’ll make that person’s happiness a priority, but you’ll never put them above your own needs. I have made this mistake so many times in my life because when I love, I love hard. There’s nothing wrong with that, but the prerequisite is to make sure your basic needs are met for yourself and the only person that can do that is YOU.
For the first time in my life, I am alone…and happy. Yes, I miss companionship and having the security of another human being by my side, but there’s something deeper happening here; I’m happy with being alone and learning the important meaning of life and where my existence contributes to the rest of the world. I’m currently doing some soul-searching and what I am learning is…beautiful. I am appreciating the beauty of life…and the sincerity of those that mean the most to me. I am also learning about love. Not love like loving your secret crush, I’m talking about the love in every encounter with another human being. My Dad told me something meaningful recently “Everything you do, do it with love.” I have learned (and am still learning) to love everything about my life and all of those who interact with me. This is my life and I plan on making it the best life. It’s ironic because a few months ago I was on a path to spend the rest of my life with someone else. Now, I sit and think to myself “I’m going to be okay because I love me and that’s the only person that needs to love me right now.” For the first time I don’t think to myself “oh, who will I end up marrying” or “who am I going to date.” For the first time, I’m okay with myself and I’ll tell you, it’s an amazing feeling. For too long I put my feelings and emotions in the hands of another person and today, it’s a whole new experience.
People tell me that I must be pretty strong to end an engagement. I’ve never really looked at it as strength, because I’ll tell you, nothing about the last two months has been a cake walk. There have been days where I have felt my weakest; days where I have questioned myself and my decisions. But, to be honest, I’ve let it all go. I’ve let it go because there is a reason we are here today. Sometimes you have to listen to your inner self. For me, my inner self spoke to me several times and I ignored it. “Hey, why do you let him speak to you like that” or “would your 14 year-old self be proud of who you have allowed yourself to become in this relationship!?” I began to get sick…a lot. I would cry for no reason (and it wasn’t because of that time of the month). My inner self knocked me flat on my ass until I finally said, “ok, it’s time.” I found myself realizing that a lot of things were not right and that I could not spend the rest of my life like this. I deserve to be loved and adored and put on a pedestal. Just as I love, I should receive the same kind of love; with all of my heart. Most of us never want to face the harsh reality and truth that sometimes slaps us right in the face. Many people spend the rest of their lives settling for an unhealthy, unhappy life.
In summary, sometimes we have to let go of people in our lives, even if we do love them. Love isn’t everything and sometimes love is just not enough. We need more than just love from other people. We deserve respect from others, especially a boyfriend, spouse, friend, etc. Loving ourselves is OUR job. They don’t teach that at Disney Academy.